alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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