I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
