I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
Randomize