you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
Randomize
