all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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