Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
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