I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
We need to get me chipped asap
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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