someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
i didnt know what to say other then wrong hole.....after that the moment was ruined.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
Randomize
