i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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