That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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