I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
