Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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