just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
