A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
Randomize
