Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
Crop dusting thru forever 21
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