he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Randomize
