My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
Randomize
