My hair reeks of homosexuality.
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
Randomize
