i jhust puked up my retainher.
Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
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