he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
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