ally, we are sitting by a fire and you are totally hot. no pun intended
Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
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