we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
Randomize