I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
he has officially spend more money on me than any other boy. and its all gone to plan b. awesome.
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
Randomize
