you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
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