I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
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