apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
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