Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
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