Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
Randomize
