I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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