3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
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