Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
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