You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize
