I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
i stalked him back to the creation of his facebook in november 2008. that bad.
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
