not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
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