forecast for tonight- shitshow with a chance of tbell
my version of bright and sunny.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
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