Moan for me like Helen Keller
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
Randomize
