I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
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