True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
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