I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
this is an emotional support booty call
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Randomize
