its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
