even my farts smell like vagina
found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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