i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
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