you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Randomize
