my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
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