seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
