omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
Operation Purity has been aborted
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
