Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
