she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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