i think ur clone was at the club last week. she slapped some tall girl in the face who tried to steal her spot on the podium. i dont know if ur like her, but she seemd like a ninja badass with superpowers
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
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