Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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