that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
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