just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
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