I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
