And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
Randomize
