mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
Why is it people are always in costumes on Cheaters these days? Joe Greco literally just said, "It appears they get chased by a chicken with a chainsaw." WTF?
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
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