Fine. I'll sleep in my office
Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
Randomize
