We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
Randomize