I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Text me some of your sweat
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
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