My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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