everyone is single if you try hard enough
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
