you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
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