Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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