how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
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