In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize
