so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
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