Yo dont text me then not text me
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
Randomize
