I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Randomize
