did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
