i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
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