I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Randomize