Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
She used the word "fragged" in proper context. tell me that's not bust-nut hot.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
Is it cum slut, cumslut or cum-slut? Sexting, plz advise ASAP
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
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