Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
why didn't we just drop out of school years ago and become dominatrix bitches who beat men?
I don't know but we should still do that
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Randomize
