We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
this is an emotional support booty call
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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