ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
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