the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
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